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At The Christian Bookstore Checkout

April 1, 2013

Just in time for April 1st we offer this, which appeared at Jon Acuff’s website, Stuff Christians Like under the title The Up-Sell Guy at the Christian Bookstore.

Here’s one from Kate Hall.  You can check out her blog here and you can follow her on Twitter.

Have you ever run into the “Up-Sell Guy” at a Christian bookstore?

I ran in to my local Christian Bookstore the other day to buy a greeting card. Here’s how my time at the cash register went:

Up-sell Guy (UG): Hi! Will there be anything else today?

Me: No, thanks. Just the card.

UG: [Pointing to a hanging sign.] Did you know you can pre-purchase the new Crossfit With Jesus DVD coming out in two weeks for a special low price of $12.97? It’s the follow-up to Yoga with Yahweh.

Me: Umm…no, thanks.

UG: [Pointing to a shelf below the register.] Can I interest you in one of our special-buy items for only five dollars with any purchase?

Me: Umm…

UG: Only five dollars…It’s a great deal!

[I glance down at 100 Ways to Instantly Make You a Better Christian.]

UG: [Picks up book.] I love this book. It changed my life.

Me: Really? I’ve never heard of it.

UG: Oh my gosh, you have to get it. It’s amazing!

Me: Hmm. [I pick up a CD.] What kind of music is this?

UG: Oh, that’s awesome. It’s kind of hip-hop, funk, R&B.

Me: Really? The guy’s got an acoustic guitar and wearing a cowboy hat.

UG: Well…it’s got a hip-hop flavor.

Me: I think I’ll pass.

UG: Are you a member of our loyalty club?

Me: No.

UG: Would you like to join? It’s absolutely free. For every 25 purchases you make, we’ll give you a coupon for five percent off one item, excluding sale and clearance items.

Me: That’s tempting, but no thanks.

UG: Well, would you like to sign up to receive emails containing valuable coupons sent directly to your inbox?

Me: Are they more valuable than five percent off one item?

UG: Sorry, I wouldn’t know, store employees aren’t allowed to sign up.

Me: No thanks.

UG: Are you interested in receiving our store catalog?

Me: No.

UG: Would you like to support one of our orphans and get this adorable teddy bear as a special gift? The children were hand-picked by our special orphan-scouting team. Three dollars can feed a child for ten years.

Me: I’ve adopted three special needs children from third world countries. Can that count?

UG: No, I’m sorry. It has to be one of our hand-picked orphans.

Me: No thanks.

UG: Well, let me get you checked out. We’re open 24 hours a day on-line at our website. [Holding up my receipt.]  You can take an online survey about your visit today for a chance to win a valuable coupon. There’s one winner every month. Enter my personal code here and, if I did a good job, give me a five. Five equals great. Anything less, four down to one, is considered failing, and I’ll probably get fired. [Smiling.]

Me: Uh…okay. Thanks [I walk to the door to leave].

UG: Have a blessed day!

Have you ever encountered the Up-sell guy at a Christian Bookstore?

For more great writing from Kate, check out her blog!

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Categories: Uncategorized
  1. April 3, 2013 at 11:54 pm

    Never met an up-sell guy; based on Kate’s treatise, I’m glad I haven’t!

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